Domestic violence is not just her problem, it is a crime.
Many women who are abused over a long period of time start to rationalize the abuse, this includes feeling she is to blame for it. If the abuser constantly tells her that she provoked the abuse, if social opinion accepts this excuse, and if he will not accept the responsibility for his actions, then she is likely to accept the blame.
Usually the wife will make extraordinary efforts to pacify their husbands. The abuser uses their abuse in a way to release tension and assume control. The abuser chooses to abuse her to maintain power and control in the relationship.
“Domestic Violence only happens in working class families”
Although it is argued that poverty exacerbates domestic violence, in a sense that a women’s options of other financial and practical support are very limited or non-existent, and that financial problems can place strain on a relationship, those involved in it and a family, it is not true that it is a problem specific to poorer families. Domestic Violence cuts across all boundaries;Economic (class), Social, Ethnic, Cultural, Religious and professional.
Many woman who have careers are abused and caught up in the same cycle of abuse as woman who work at home. Factors of dependency and opportunity may differ but the psychological effect of abuse remain the same.
“Abusers must come from violent backgrounds.”
Whilst there is a recognized pattern of abusers that have been abused in their adult lives. It is not always the case. Many abusers do not come from violent backgrounds, and many families in which violence occurs do not produce violent men. The family is not the only formative influence on behavior.
Furthermore, this statement is dangerous because it can be used as an excuse for the abuser’s behavior because she can rationalize it in this way, which in turn may lead to self-blame. This attitude also encourages the abuser to rationalize his behavior, prevents him from accepting responsibility for it and from seeking help to change it. Ultimately, adults are responsible for their own actions and have a choice in how they behave.
“All abusers are drug addicts, it is the drug that causes the violence”
Alcohol or drug abuse is often mistakenly perceived as a cause of violence. An abuser may say that he lost control or didn’t know what he was doing because of his alcoholism or drug abuse, but he is, responsible for his actions. The drugs may reduce the abuser’s inhibitions, but his actions are his own, not the drug’s. While substance abuse is related to violent behavior, successful treatment of that problem will not necessarily put an end to the violence. The abuser uses alcohol or drugs as one more excuse or justification for his actions, one way to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. It is not a rational act.
If it’s so bad, why doesn’t she just leave?
Any relationship can be difficult to end. She may be financially dependent or have limited job skills. Religion, cultural or family pressures may keep her in the marriage. She may have tried to leave and he stopped her. He may have threatened to take the children from her. He may have threatened to harm her (or her family) more if she leaves him. Over 75 percent of women are killed after they leave an abusive partner.
That statistic changes every single day.
I know him ~ he seems like a nice guy.
Many abusers can appear ‘charming’ to outsiders. However, this does not indicate the kind of person he is behind closed doors. Please Believe Her.
Abusive men are abusive with and without alcohol and drugs. Abusers want all the power and control in the relationship and that is their motivation.
If She Wanted My Help She Would Ask For It.
Your friend or relative may not feel comfortable revealing her situation to you. She may be embarrassed to ask for help from a family member…
(Trust me I would not tell my daughter for the longest time)
AND EVEN when asking A BROTHER or sister for help he/she may say (and have said) no way I don’t have money to send you and Dad is on a fixed income.
She seems distant. I don’t know if we’re still friends.
Women in violent homes are often isolated from friends and family by their abusers. The abuser wants total control and does not want her talking to others. It is very important to continue to reach out to her and let her know you care.